I love my child and feel so lucky to be a mother. But sometimes I miss my old life… my freedom, my friendships, my career, my body, even parts of who I was before. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Is something wrong with me? How can I make sense of these conflicting feelings?

For this edition of Dear Dr. Mom, we asked Ellen Johnson, a career and life coach, and Kelsey Mather, a leadership facilitator and coach, to answer this question that so many mothers carry but rarely say out loud.

Their answer

Nothing is wrong with you.

In fact, what you're describing may be one of the most human parts of becoming a mother.

We tend to talk about motherhood as though it's a destination: you have a baby, you become a mother, and then you settle into your new life. But becoming a mother is much more than adding a new role to your existing identity. And, as we know, giving birth is just the beginning. It can be a profound transformation, which impacts you emotionally, physically, psychologically and socially. (Literally, your brain, and so much more about how you operate in the world at a cellular level, changes.)

The word for this transformation is matrescence.

Originally named by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s and recently made more widely known by Lucy Jones in her 2023 book (aptly titled Matrescence), matrescence describes the process of becoming a mother. Think of it a little like adolescence. Your body changes. Your hormones shift. Your relationships and social role change. Your sense of who you are is in flux.

Adolescence has a name, a framework and rituals to help us understand it — not to mention, a whole lot of acknowledgement and grace given from the outside world. Matrescence deserves the same.

Being a mother brings up so many conflicting feelings. How is this possible?

One of the key things about this transformation is that matrescence makes room for the "both/and" — the concept that two seemingly opposite things can be true at once. For example:

• You can love your child deeply and long for freedom
• You can feel grateful and grieve what you've lost
• You can feel fulfilled and resentful
• You can desperately need space and miss your child the moment you get it

This is a 100% normal and expected part of motherhood. These feelings don't cancel each other out. They can exist at exactly the same time and both be valid. Another word for this is "ambivalence."

Learning to allow these things to co-exist is part of our learning process as mothers.

What about the identity shift? How do I make peace with this version of me?

Amidst all the other physical, psychological, and practical changes that happen in motherhood, our evolving identity is often one of the most confronting or tender to deal with.

Motherhood can expand parts of you while making other parts feel lost or dormant. Your values may change. Your friendships or career may look different. You may find yourself wondering, Who am I now? What parts of me do I want to keep? What parts do I want to reclaim?

This is where the idea of "getting back to yourself" can sometimes miss the point. You don't necessarily need to go back.

Matrescence isn't a regression. It's a reorganization and evolution of your identity. The goal isn't to find some finished version of yourself who has finally figured out how to be a mother, partner, friend and professional perfectly. It's to make space for the person you're becoming, while staying curious about the parts of yourself you don't want to lose along the way.

So if you've ever looked at your life and thought, I love this so much. And I miss my old life. And I don't know who I am anymore — you're not failing at motherhood.

You may simply be in the middle of a transformation that we don't talk about nearly enough.

And sometimes, what we need most isn't more advice. It's a space where we can say the messy things out loud, hear someone else say "same," and begin to make sense of our own experience.

Want to explore your own matrescence?

On September 29, we're hosting Matrescence: Navigating the Complexities of Motherhood in Amsterdam. It's a workshop for mothers who want to pause, reflect and explore the many layers of who they are becoming.

Together, we'll explore the emotional complexity of motherhood, identity and self, and the different biological, psychological, social and cultural layers of matrescence. There will be space to reflect on your own experience and connect with other mothers.

Because transformation deserves support.

Key details:

• 🗓️ Tuesday, September 29
• 🕰️ 18:30–20:30
• 📍 Stories @ Sarphatistraat 14 in Amsterdam (Center)
• 🎟️ €32/person or €48 for 2 people (so bring a friend!)
• 🗒️ Adults only: Please leave your little one(s) at home

We'd love to see you there!

Questions? Email Kelsey at hello@kelseymather.co or Ellen at ellen@evergreen-cc.com.