My friend has a kid with special needs. I know her parenting experience must be different from mine, but I still want to be there for her. How can I support her?

We all want to be there for our friends, but when it comes to supporting those raising high-needs children, it can be hard to know what to do or how to help. Special needs educator and family counselor Claudia Carter gives us a simple guide for helping out with compassion and love. Bonus: these tips can apply to anyone.

Our answer

Parenting is a challenging enough journey for everyone, but for those raising high-needs children – whether due to neurodivergence, chronic illness, or emotional challenges – the experience can hold unexpected demands. As a friend, your support can make a world of difference.

Many parents of special needs kids isolate themselves because they don’t feel listened to. You need the courage to say to your friend, “I’m here. Tell me how I can support you,” says special needs educator Claudia Carter.

Special needs educator Claudia Carter explained that for parents facing these challenges, a little empathy and involvement from their friends goes a long way. “The biggest issue is isolation”, she said. “Many parents of special needs kids isolate themselves because they don’t feel listened to. You need the courage to say to your friend, ‘I’m here. Tell me how I can support you.’”

Carter suggested five simple things you can do to be there for your friends:

Ask how to help. Carter suggests offering practical help, like shopping, laundry, or cooking a meal. If you’re up to it, offer to look after their kid while they’re taking a nap. “It’s a little bit like helping a friend with a new baby. Think about all those practical things that you need when you’re overwhelmed.
Be curious. Your friend is likely thinking about this every day, around the clock. By asking honest, non-judgemental questions and staying informed, you’ll be able to connect to her on a deeper, more significant level.
Don’t offer unsolicited advice. We guarantee you – she’s heard it all. And fundamentally, a tantrum might mean something very different coming from your kid or your friend’s kid. You’re not here to solve her problems – you’re here to provide an assist when she asks for it.
Set up a communications code. Sometimes, speech or texting may feel overwhelming to your friend, but they might still need you. Consider setting up a system of signs or emojis that acts as a shorthand to bridge those moments. A 🐨 in a text might stand for “I’m overwhelmed and don’t feel like talking about it but could use a hug,” or a hand wave could mean, “Let’s change the subject, I’m about to cry.”
Think before you talk about your own kid. We all want to brag about our own children – but the milestones you’re talking about might look very different for them. Approach the topic with openness and sensitivity.

And finally? Treat your friend with openness, honesty and love. “When you feel your people, when you feel accepted – that’s when you shine.”