Selina Haria

Name: Selina Haria
Originally from: London, UK
How long have you lived in Amsterdam? 10 years
Age and gender of your child: Daughter, 3 years old
What surprised you most about becoming a mom? My resilience and ability to bounce back. No matter how sick I felt, how crappy I was feeling, how hard I was grieving or just simply how tired I was, I have somehow always found the will and motivation to show up for my kid. I use that as a reminder for myself for the future challenges that may come my way.

Interview

"After suffering from 18 months of postpartum depression, I had my lightbulb moment by metaphorically burning the parenting playbook. I stopped trying to please this imaginary judgment panel of parenting, and I started to work towards holding more confidence in the choices I made."

What was your most recent parenting win?

After a few nights of battling with her to go to sleep, you’d think this would be a pretty hard question. But actually, the best win recently has been that every time we spend the day together, she says to me at bedtime, “Mama, thank you for a lovely day today”.

What’s been easier about having a kid than you thought it would be?

Saying goodbye to the pre-motherhood version of myself. I was told I’d miss the type of social life I used to have, but actually I think I was just ready for this phase of my life. I embraced that adaptation of my personality. Suddenly, the thought of meeting strangers at loud bars and clubs became my idea of hell. Instead, I actually look forward to meaningful conversations with friends over playdates in the park. (As best as we can while also chasing our little daredevils).

What’s been more challenging?

Feeling secure with myself and the decisions I make. For the first year, I was second-guessing everything I was doing. I’ve always liked to be “top of the class” so it was extremely difficult for me to not just be able to be a perfect parent and be graded as such. I couldn’t breastfeed so that was my first breaking point; it felt as though I’d failed before even starting. After suffering from 18 months of postpartum depression, I had my lightbulb moment by metaphorically burning the parenting playbook. I stopped trying to please this imaginary judgment panel of parenting, and I started to work towards holding more confidence in the choices I made.

What has being a parent taught you about yourself?

The ebbs and flows of my own mental health. I don’t think I’ve truly got a grasp on all my emotions, but I have learned to understand the way my psyche works a lot better over the years. Even in just teaching my child how to regulate her emotions, it has forced me to unlearn all my habits, too. It’s an ongoing journey, and I don’t think I can ever really reach nirvana, but I am far more mindful now of how I care for myself, not just for me, but for those around me and that who are learning from me.

What have you been surprised to learn about your kid?

She surprises me all the time, but the silliest thing that I still can’t get over is her accent. For a kid who has a British mum, she doesn’t sound English at all, which is just one of those things that I never thought about in all the years I dreamed of being a mum.

Dinosaur ok to wake clock…. I’ll leave you to ponder on that one.

What's a parenting mantra you live by?

A go-to phrase of mine is: Every kid is different. I’ve had friends and experts try to use generic wisdom for my child, and the thing is - it never worked. My problems are not unique, but my child doesn’t always behave the same way as another, and neither does yours. I say now that take advice, consider it, but don’t use that as the standard for your kid to reach. It’s actually the reason why, when I designed my store Saaru Life, I opted to sell by “personality”. Some children thrive playing sensory games, and others like mine want to be reckless and run around like maniacs, climbing everything in sight.

What do you love about having a kid in the Netherlands?

I can’t imagine what it would be like having a child outside the city, but for me, raising mine in Amsterdam feels incredible, and I wouldn’t want to change that. I love how many playgrounds there are at a stone's-throw distance, the small city farms, the splash pools tucked away for hot days in the summer, the baristas serving babyccinos with tiny cocoa art, the freedom children have, the focus on outdoor activities and of course — and let’s not forget the bikes. I love the chats we have while she sits at the back of the bike, pointing at all the pretty things we cycle past on our long journeys. The list could go on, but at this point the tourism board would have to start paying me!

What’s your best piece of advice for parents-to-be or new parents?

Ignore the noise and follow your gut. Everyone has an opinion, don’t let their voices get stuck in your head. A lot of the WhatsApp groups can be awful for this, and you can spiral down into anxiety, worrying about things you had never even considered before. If you ever feel that way, shut down the noise and leave the group - it will be the best thing you do for you and your family.

What do you wish you had known before becoming a parent?

How and where to find resources to help me. I gave birth in 2021, which was followed by another wave of lockdowns. My father passed away, and we weren’t able to visit England. It was a really rough time, and the healthcare system was overwhelmed. Finding psychological support was almost impossible, and somehow my file was misplaced, so I wasn’t seen until I was 10 months postpartum. In those 10 months, I wish I had resources like APP and other amazing initiatives that could have helped me to avoid the dark place I ended up in. There are a lot of amazing people out there doing great work, and now I want every new parent to know about them.